Wonderfully crafted in the mountains of Mongolia by nomadic Kazakh Eagle hunters, our ice cream is produced using only the best yak’s milk, from animals fed on lush grass from steep sided river valleys in the shadows of the Altai Mountains. Only being carefully created by the light of a full moon in traditional gers, […]
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Whine-free wine
Straight from the recipe books of Bacchus, our wines contain natural alcohol molecules specifically engineered to be kind to livers. The molecules meld happily with the neurochemical receptors in your CNS before breaking down into byproducts that are totally harmless: actetate (which we know is totally see-through and therefore pure) and other compounds which alter […]
Happy Chickens
Only Guatnamese Lemming Chickens are used in our recipes. These birds throw themselves on to the roasting spits, giggling happily as they do so. To ease the birds’ transition to our plates, we give them train tickets to make the 300 mile journey from their hatching grounds to the traditional […]
Finest Atlantic salmon from the freshest of all Alaskan rivers
The most succulent, mouth watering salmon available! These Atlantic salmon swim for years along the North West Passage, grazing on the most nutritious herbivorous zooplankton as they travel. Upon reaching the Hulahula river, they face their final hurdle: the Hulahula bear. Released from captivity by ethical entrepreneurs in the 1990s into the wild Alaskan […]
Proud to present our pseudoscientists
Our team includes pseudoscientists from across the World, each with the only the best and most expensive doctorates that can be purchased from the American College of Holistic Nutrition. They wear the white coat of scientific authority and therefore no one should be sceptical of their claims or contradict them. We are on a […]
Hampers
Our hampers are hand-woven by the tiny, deft fingers of leprechauns trained in the meditative art of Tai Chi using bark from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. To make this bark supple, it has to be chewed by the Indonesian weasel and rubbed across the backs of manatees before use. They are […]
Serving your hydration needs
We use heavy-oxygen water, enriched with heavy oxygen isotopes, as the basis for our drinks. This is denser than usual water, providing more ‘bang for your buck’. All of our Artesian Artisan water , has been personally passed by an experienced member of our quality control team, recruited from the Souqs of the Middle East […]
Food for your soul
Made only with the rarest, carbon-based ingredients born in a local star just for your nutrition Nectar and burnt fig ice cream The rich, creamy milk for this luxurious treat comes from the same ermine used for the fur on robes for the House of Lords. These are milked by only the Scottish lassies […]
Skin Energisers
We have not been to the Fountain of Youth, but we have the next best thing – our skin products will make you feel 23 again (unless you are 23 in which case they will make you feel 23). Face masques Our patent formula allows you to ‘feed’ your skin with some of the […]