Made only with the rarest, carbon-based ingredients born in a local star just for your nutrition
Nectar and burnt fig ice cream
The rich, creamy milk for this luxurious treat comes from the same ermine used for the fur on robes for the House of Lords. These are milked by only the Scottish lassies with the best complexions when the May dew is fresh on the loaming. To avoid ice crystals forming, this icecream is constantly stirred by Innuit children at the Magnetic North Pole.
Cheshire Gold Cheese
The dense, lactose-full cheese base is matured in the caves of Cheshire, wrapped in cheesecloth made using Egyptian papyrus. This ensures its stability as it cures in the perfect environment to bring out the piquant taste so beloved of cheese experts around the World. Gold from the pots at the bases of rainbows is liberally sprinkled into the whey, together with the hopes and dreams of the women stirring it.
Handmade Chocolate Kisses
Straight from Paradise, this stunning creation combines exquisite cacao beans from the Ecuadorian region of Cuenca (which has some of the highest rates of biodiversity on the planet) with sugar crystals formed in the pollen of the Frangipane Sugar Plant, only found on one of the Galapagos islands. Decorated with Tanzanian Pearl Berries and golden feathers from angel wings, this artisan dessert can only be appreciated by those with a refined palate.
Our bespoke Artisanal Flour
This is the basis for many of our delicious treats. It is totally gluten-free and comes from a naturally, organic, genetically-modified plant grown only within the boundaries of Stone Henge and harvested by Druids using golden sickles on the Summer Solstice. It is ground between stones taken from the Great Pyramids of Cheops by South American children with mournful eyes and sad backstories.