Wonderfully crafted in the mountains of Mongolia by nomadic Kazakh Eagle hunters, our ice cream is produced using only the best yak’s milk, from animals fed on lush grass from steep sided river valleys in the shadows of the Altai Mountains.

Only being carefully created by the light of a full moon in traditional gers, or yurts, means that our ice cream is as smooth as it possibly can be. Once frozen it is then shipped in traditional caravans to Ulaanbaatar, when quintessential essences are added by the last surviving relatives of  Chinggis Khan.

Available only in the finest retail establishments, and selected theatres nationwide, the taste of Mongolia will certainly be well worth the extra extravagance!

Straight from the recipe books of Bacchus, our wines contain natural alcohol molecules specifically engineered to be kind to livers. The molecules meld happily with the neurochemical receptors in your CNS before breaking down into byproducts that are totally harmless: actetate (which we know is totally see-through and therefore pure) and other compounds which alter the absorption of sugar and fat in the liver (which can only be a good thing).

 

 

 

Our wines complement meals in all seasons, with a low percentage of malolactic fermentation for a smoother taste. Sommeliers believe that you can really taste the terroir in our blends.

 

 

 

 

 

Our grapes come from the tiniest vineyard in the World, found in Shropshire, in the shadow of the Brown Clee Hill.

 

This exclusive Chateau produces only a few bunches of grapes per year. They are picked by dragonflies burning through each grape’s stem, allowing them to drop on to the spines of waiting hedgehogs from our local sanctuary. They are rehabilitated and given a trade and allowed to regain their self-respect from meaningful work in the wine industry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our wines are full-bodied and opulent, beloved of sommeliers around the World. They are less a beverage and more a lifestyle. The glass bottles are carefully-crafted to allow the careful notes of intense luminescence to shine out. They are simple enough to satisfy your inner child, but are also full of complex flavours to navigate the adult world.

 

 

Only Guatnamese Lemming Chickens are used in our recipes. These birds throw themselves on to the roasting spits, giggling happily as they do so.

 

 

 

 

 

To ease the birds’ transition to our plates, we give them train tickets to make the 300 mile journey from their hatching grounds to the traditional cliffs that they use. Incidentally, this removes the bitter lactic acid from their muscles as they rest on their seats, making the meat more tender. We also provide them with a last meal of corn taken from Aztec sacred sites in the Outer Hebrides. We encourage these featherless, flightless fowl to roll around on a bed of oily breadcrumbs before they jump over the cliffs, laughing with sheer joy.

 

The most succulent, mouth watering salmon available!

These Atlantic salmon swim for years along the North West Passage, grazing on the most nutritious herbivorous zooplankton as they travel.

Upon reaching the Hulahula river, they face their final hurdle: the Hulahula bear.

 

Released from captivity by ethical entrepreneurs in the 1990s into the wild Alaskan back country,  the Hulahula bears demonstrate their gratitude by catching only the finest examples of salmon and placing them on granite slabs on the riverbank, whilst using the less desirable fish to feast on.Immediately collected by Oriental Small-Clawed Otters, trained by indigenous Iñupiat mothers, the salmon are delicately placed, in an East-West direction (Tails facing West), into baskets woven from the finest silk from Indo China, before being shipped to smoke houses in the Vietnamese province of Bà Rịa-Vũng Tàu. Here, they are lovingly addressed in the French language whilst being caressed with sel de mer prior to being smoked over a bed of endangered Vietnamese Golden Cypress wood chips.

 

 

Once delivered to you (we only ship orders in their own First Class airline seats to ensure the speediest delivery), we consider the finest way to enjoy these succulent delights is to sprinkle some green things on the top and to drizzle only the finest drizzle across them. We recommend green stuff and drizzle direct from the Mountains of Mourne in the Emerald Isle, preferably from the environs of a remote Faerie Tree. We shall be discussing these in a post sometime in the next few years.

Our team includes pseudoscientists from across the World, each with the only the best and most expensive doctorates that can be purchased from the American College of Holistic Nutrition. They wear the white coat of scientific authority and therefore no one should be sceptical of their claims or contradict them.

 

We are on a crusade against toxins, free-radicals and the pollutants of modern life.

You can see how they have damaged this protein string from a sample sent to us for hair analysis:

 

The dark areas show clear evidence of cathartic thinning – stress is literally reducing the healthy compounds in our hair.

Our hampers are hand-woven by the tiny, deft fingers of leprechauns trained in the meditative art of Tai Chi using bark from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. To make this bark supple, it has to be chewed by the Indonesian weasel and rubbed across the backs of manatees before use. They are lined with the seeds of the rare Giant Dandelion, grown only in the Atacama Desert and picked during the full moon.

The hampers come in a range of sizes which you can tailor for your bespoke excitement:
angel’s kiss (3-5 mind-blowing artefacts)
angel’s hugs (10 wonderful indulgences)
angels’ bounty (a huge basket of opulence).

You deserve these little luxuries.

We use heavy-oxygen water, enriched with  heavy oxygen isotopes, as the basis for our drinks. This is denser than usual water, providing more ‘bang for your buck’.

All of our Artesian Artisan water , has been personally passed by an experienced member of our quality control team, recruited from the Souqs of the Middle East during the month of November

 

 

 

Gullibilberry Presse

Difficult to cultivate and only available in its wild form, the gullibiliberry is from a small region of Australia near the sacred rock of Uluru. We blend this carefully with our Artisan water using waterfalls constructed to intensely-aerate the presse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Green bamboo shoot tea

We all know how happy and cuddly pandas are; that’s because they eat bamboo.  Our bamboo tea concentrates the essential components and nutrients of this all-natural ‘pick-me-up.’ We only use the youngest and most tender shoots from our bamboo nursery, tended by lorises as they have the nimble fingers needed to discern the best parts of the plants.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made only with the rarest, carbon-based ingredients born in a local star just for your nutrition

 

Nectar and burnt fig ice cream

The rich, creamy milk for this luxurious treat comes from the same ermine used for the fur on robes for the House of Lords. These are milked by only the Scottish lassies with the best complexions when the May dew is fresh on the loaming. To avoid ice crystals forming, this icecream is constantly stirred by Innuit children at the Magnetic North Pole.

 

 

Cheshire Gold Cheese

 

The dense, lactose-full cheese base is matured in the caves of Cheshire, wrapped in cheesecloth made using Egyptian papyrus. This ensures its stability as it cures in the perfect environment to bring out the piquant taste so beloved of cheese experts around the World. Gold from the pots at the bases of rainbows is liberally sprinkled into the whey, together with the hopes and dreams of the women stirring it.

 

 

Handmade Chocolate Kisses

 

Straight from Paradise, this stunning creation combines exquisite cacao beans from the Ecuadorian region of Cuenca (which has some of the highest rates of biodiversity on the planet) with sugar crystals formed in the pollen of the Frangipane Sugar Plant, only found on one of the Galapagos islands. Decorated with Tanzanian Pearl Berries and golden feathers from angel wings, this artisan dessert can only be appreciated by those with a refined palate.

 

 

Our bespoke Artisanal Flour

This is the basis for many of our delicious treats. It is totally gluten-free and comes from a naturally, organic, genetically-modified plant grown only within the boundaries of Stone Henge and harvested by Druids using golden sickles on the Summer Solstice. It is ground between stones taken from the Great Pyramids of Cheops by South American children with mournful eyes and sad backstories.

We have not been to the Fountain of Youth, but we have the next best thing – our skin products will make you feel 23 again (unless you are 23 in which case they will make you feel 23).

 

Face masques

Our patent formula allows you to ‘feed’ your skin with some of the rarest and most exotic ingredients on the planet, ingredients that we have lost contact with due to the stresses of modern life. Your skin will feel more energised and softer than ever before.

 

 

The eggs of the almost-extinct golden oreole from the Antarctic contain gold. We harvest these using sustainable techniques and micro grind this heavy metal using the latest nano production methods so that it can pass through the pores of your skin, suffusing your face with the glow of youth.

 

 

 

 

The  Ancient Xia Dynasty knew the value of green tea, with its anti-oxidants acting against the free radicals that can cause aging. We refine the chlorophyll from this plant, allowing the process of photosynthesis to oxygenate your deepest dermis during the use of this exquisite masque.

 

 

Yellow snowberries from the flanks of Kanchenjunga are slowly gathered by trained sloths and mixed with astringent hibiscus petal dew. This can only be collected on the space between the breaking waves and the high tide markers on the Northern Isles. The resultant mousse is strained through bandages taken from Rameses III to ensure their purity and packed directly for you.

 

 

 

 

Soaps

We all know how bad soap is for our skins and that we should NEVER use it on our faces if we want to avoid barnacles and corrosion caused by copper deposits. What if the soap was guaranteed to be free of toxins and naturally genetically-engineered for organic goodness? If you send us a swab from the inside of your cheek, we can code your DNA and further tailor the chemical composition of our soaps for your personal skin needs.

 

 

Miracle Berry Soap Cake

Made from the underwater Miracle Berry, harvested by mermaids, our soap cake will remove all fine lines and wrinkles, leaving you with perfect, crystal clear skin. The elastic proteins within the berry cells acts in concert with your skin’s elastin and collagen to create the visage you have always deserved.

 

 

 

 

Rose Petal Soap Trio

The source of the active ingredients in this soap bar is the Tricoleur Rose, grown only in one shepherd’s garden in a tiny valley of the Pyrenees. The altitude concentrates the fragrance and the flower is well-known locally for boosting your immune system. This is just one part of ancient wisdom about natural healing that predates the stresses of modern life and we are proud to reinvent it for today’s World.

 

 

 

Protein Soap Kiss

This glides over your skin, balancing your blood pressure and heart rate. Due to the presence of natural sources of riboflavins and eukaryotic protein fibres, your skin can absorb healthy compounds to regenerate nerve cells and target problem areas for rejuvenation.